Stalking The Gold

We long for oneness. 

 

We remember it in various degrees of vibrancy.

 

We were born from it. 

 

And our babies and small children are still covered in the stuff of oneness. 

 

Over time, throughout our lives, the prevailing wind of separation began to blow in. 

 

Our parents did not always know what to do with us and began to manage us more for compliance than for authentic self-expression.

 

Bless their hearts.   They did the best they could.  

 

And I’m doing the same with Maryah, Arthur and Fianna consciously and unconsciously.

 

The winds of separation have blown in.  We remember some distant haze of oneness.  But it's tangibility seems to pass by in inconsistent, irregular flashes. 

 

And the taste of the fare of the day is no longer as appetizing. 

We’ve honored the deal of the day.  We went to school.  We got jobs.  We’ve found some friends and maybe even made some family.

And yet.

The promise doesn’t seem to be kept.

I’ve followed the rules.

I’ve done what was asked, what was expected, and even beyond.

And yet.

I still feel a dissonance.  A distance.  An estrangement.  Almost a betrayal to my true self.

And I’m not even sure what that true self looks like, feels like, talks like, acts like.

But I know, the path that I’ve been walking has only ever been satisfying despite the path.  It's only ever been satisfying for the moments experienced of deep and true oneness. 

 

So.  What do I do?

Where do I go?

 

I know the well paved path of the day is not leading me where I want to go.

But how to wriggle out of the masses moving with grand momentum evermore down a road I no longer trust the promise of?

 

How do I get out of the throng?

 

And this isn’t just at the impersonal, society level.

This is in my own house!

How do I claim something new now?!

When I’ve already set sail inside of a family unit?

They love me for who I’ve been.

They don’t know me for who I actually am.

And I am scared shitless that when the more of me is revealed, they won’t like it. 

And worse, and scarier to admit, I might not like them.

 

And this is where it stops.

Or, instead of the threat to family that my true authenticity might pose, it’s my career.

Or said another way, it's my value.  Or said another way, it's my contribution to society.  Or said another way, it's my safety and security.  Or said another way, it’s my family’s safety and security. 

 

And this is where it stops.

 

I’d rather cling to what I have, what I know, in its imperfection.  In it’s pretty-goodness.  Rather than risk moving out into the unknown to discover, recover, remember my true nature.   One bit at a time.

 

I’d rather keep bailing out the hull with furniture precariously balanced on cinder blocks and 2 by 4’s and whatever I have on hand to keep it up and out of the daily encroaching waters than find and patch the hole or, wilder yet, dream into the boat that doesn’t require daily bailing to stay seaworthy.

 

This week, and for the rest of our lives, we’ll begin exploring where we’ve felt that oneness, where we’ve felt a touch of that true self coming through, where we’ve been able to be exactly as we are and how good good good it felt.

 

Today, we bless every decision we’ve ever made, every relationship we’ve ever started or ended, every job we’ve ever worked or quit, and begin to ask ourselves does this make my heart sing? 

 

Does this make my heart sing?

 

Does this make my heart sing?

 

Does this make my heart sing?

 

To embark on this journey does not mean we must wholesale dump our lives and all the responsibilities and relationships and covenants we have and have made.

 

This means, we begin to take a sobering look at which shoes we’ve been running around in that do not really feel all that comfortable anymore.

 

Just noticing and assessing “right-fit” is a major first step.

 

Do you want to know where your gifts are?

 

Do you want to know where your great and shining life is? 

 

Do you?

 

Go where there is discontentment.

 

Go where there is the feeling of impossibility.

 

Go where there is the feeling of despairing resignation into something that will never be.

 

Go where you are exhausted.

 

Go where you are simply going through the motions.

 

These areas are where the angels of your gifts are eager eager eager to bring you into wild fulfillment.

 

So let them.

 

And remember last week’s ritual: I walk into darkness.  I walk into darkness.  I walk into darkness.

 

And this week’s portals will take you into a few ways of connecting in with your life and what it's showing you about where your gifts lay in wait.